Poppyseed (part two)

I want to talk about what it feels like to have a baby with something "wrong" with him. Do any research on cleft lips and you fill find that it is a "birth defect" that occurs in pregnancy. They don't specifically know what causes it but see a correlation in babies whose mothers' drank alcohol or used drugs while pregnant. UM, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL? No, and no. I did everything right. I took my vitamins, I rested when I could, I exercised. Sure, I ate my weight in sweets and other random things that I would crave, but that shouldn't give my baby a birth defect, should it?




I went through every possibility. Could it of happened because I got a high fever at some point? Could it have been caused by the gas leak that was in our house the day we moved in? Could it have been some virus that I got because I work with children and am constantly exposed to their germs?


Unfortunately, there is no way to know what caused it. All I knew is it was my fault. That's a crazy amount of guilt to carry around. I am happy to say I am working through it. It's no where near gone, and it probably never will be, but it's less.



I gotta say, I LOVE Braxton's lip. It seems so normal now, 10 weeks later. It's just *him*. His little smile is the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, exactly the way it is.
He will have surgery to correct it on March 25th. This scares me to death. I cry whenever I think about it. I can't imagine them having to give him another IV, putting him under.

I am extremely sensitive to the things people say about my little guy. I'm his mother. It's my job to protect him and protect his feelings. He isn't broken. He doesn't need fixed, thankyouverymuch. I would even get upset with my husband if he were to mention something about it. I immediately jump to the defensive. "Why does it matter? He's perfect the way he is!" This commences the tears.



When you think about a baby growing in the womb, it's crazy and overwhelming to think of all that could possibly go wrong. Yeah, I'm nervous for him to go into surgery, but I could be nervous for him to be having heart surgery, or brain surgery, or surgery to place his intestines in the correct spot because they grew on the outside. These things happen, and it could have been so much worse. I'm so thankful that of everything that could of happened, Braxton's troubles are purely cosmetic and not something much more serious.

Bottom line, I am honored that God chose me to go through this journey with Braxton. He knew that, for some reason or another, *I* was the right woman, the right Mommy for this job. So there is no "why me?" Only, "Lucky me!" He trusted me with this little baby, who will deal with this for a long time to come. To say that I'm honored isn't enough.

**All photos were taken by my amazing friend and photographer, Tavia Redburn**