This morning we trekked up to Children's Hospital to have Braxton's pre-op appointment. I left in tears.
All along my biggest concern with his lip was feeding. I wanted to nurse him so badly and it took a ton of hard work and lots of tears but we eventually got it down. It's virtually unheard of to be able to nurse a baby with a cleft, so I take immense pride in the fact that we pushed through.
I've loved every minute of BFing. I have never been bitter about being the only one to feed him like I thought I might. Maybe that's because I knew that it might not last long.
Before our initial appointment with the plastic surgeon, I called to ask some questions. I asked if I would be able to nurse him after the surgery and the girl told me that I would have to bottle feed for 2-3 weeks following surgery. I freaked out, calling my BFing advocate bestie, Jenn for advice about what to do. The girl called me back and told me that she talked to the Dr. and that he said I would be able to try to nurse after his surgery. WHEW. I breathed a huge sigh of relief and felt silly for freaking the hell out.
At his first consult they reiterated that point, that I would be able to try to nurse, but they warned that Braxton might not particularly want to nurse. I felt like I could deal with that, we would push through the difficulty just like we did in the beginning.
Today, the doctor tells me that he doesn't want me to nurse for 2 weeks following surgery. I'm devastated. I'm so scared that he will never want to nurse again. I'm so not ready to stop nursing. I'm scared that I wont be able to maintain my supply with pumping for two weeks. Not to mention, it will take so long to feed him, as they want me to basically squeeze milk into his mouth, no sucking on his part. Will he forget how to suck? What will I do if he is crying because he is desperate for his momma and wants to nurse and I'm not supposed to? Two weeks suddenly seems like a lifetime.
On the other hand, I understand where the doctor is coming from. If it's going to hurt him to nurse, then of course I don't want to do it. If it will disrupt his healing, I don't want to do it. As his mom, it's my job to protect him. This gets a little tricky because I need to help him heal, but it feels natural to nurse him to make him feel better.
By the end of the appointment, I got the doctor to say that I would be able to attempt nursing, so technically, I got my way. But I don't really want to get my way if it's going to hurt my little guys' healing.
This just keeps getting more complicated and frustrating...
So, I guess I'll spend the next week enjoying our time nursing, and hope and pray that it won't be the end of it.
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Oh goodness love, what a mean thing for the dr to put you through. You know what, try. You are his momma and you know his cries. If he is crying because he is hungry and you try and feed him and he cries where you know it's hurting him stop. At least you won't feel guilty for not trying and you can sleep knowing you did everything you could. Jenn, the BF'ing guru can help you with your supply issues if they come. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. 2 weeks will fly by and you guys can get back to your normal routine. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI only say this because I care....I know you wanna BF B, but your doc maybe right...partly at least. He shoudln't have told you in the way he did, but the sucking motion may disrupt the healing process because it will be so tender. My thinking is that a bottle will go further into his mouth and not rest on his lip like you may. I would ask the doctor again if that is why. Explain to him your reasoning so that you can discuss more. DOn't be afraid to ask the doc questions. I don't think he will forget how to suck...it might take him a minute or 2 to realize...hey this is mommy again and not that craptastic bottle....but definately talk to your doc again and explain your feelings. ::HUGS::
ReplyDeleteThat must be frustrating after all your hard work to get B to BF. I hope it all works out that he'll want his momma after the surgery and it won't cause him too much pain or affect his healing.
ReplyDeleteYou and B will be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I really am hoping that everything goes smoothly and B continues to BF.
ReplyDeleteYou can do anything you have your heart set on--and if that means pumping/bottle feeding for two weeks and then switching back to BFing then you can do it! I think that it will be a rough couple of days and then you will get the hang of things and handle it like a pro! You're doing great!
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